Gee Chuck, The Date Started Out Great, but Just Before We Got to The Party, She Seemed to Tense Up

I'll preface this post with this: A couple of my friends (Steve Dixx included) and I have an inside joke that occurred over my birthday weekend of last year. In the middle of a real conversation a slightly lushed out Steve asked to the crowd in a perfect southern accent, "You ever been wit' a man?". Needless to say, those of us around him were quite amused and the months since have been sprinkled with texts and phone calls first initiated with a "You ever been with a man" quote. I'll never say it again and I'll never laugh at it again.... EVER

I was having a tough time at work today as per usual, but then things really seemed to turn in my favor....

I am a sales rep for a brand new direct marketing company in the area. My objective each day is to stop in and introduce my product to as many local business owners as I can in the hopes of them paying me to have their advertisement on my piece. And when I say "my piece", I mean the multi-advertiser direct marketing piece, not my genitalia. Unfortunately, I think one gentleman I stopped in to talk to today got the wrong impression.

I was going about business as usual, getting turned down more than Steve Urkel, when I stopped in on one particular business and was received with open arms. After introducing myself to the manager and giving my very brief sales pitch, I was invited back to his desk which was in the back of this man's retail shop. We chatted, I asked him how business was, and he got into what makes his business special. The whole time alluding to the fact that my product was great and innovative... basically talking me up like he was a 7th grade girl who just got introduced to the most bodacious of the Jonas Brothers.

He eventually got so excited about my presence that he could no longer contain himself, I almost thought he was going to tear off his shirt and his 7 pieces of gold plated jewelry. Being a salesman, I walked to the rear of the store feigning interest in his ramblings about track lighting and its importance in a home. He then was interested in showing me just how each different bulb illuminated my hand against a wall, something I could hardly notice. However, I pretended to be blown away in true salesman form. That is of course until he insisted on showing me exactly where to place my hand.

As I held my hand up against the wall my man man leaned in and reached his up as well. Meanwhile, his opposite hand grazed my... ahem, uh... cough... uh.. you know what. One time thing, no big deal. He was older, shit like that happens I told myself.

Until it happened again.

This time he was showing me a different lighting. I looked down after it happened to notice he was holding a stack of Post-it (trademark) notes. THANK GOD I thought. I knew that couldn't be his hand grazing my man meat.

On we went examining the beauty of different forms of light streaming from above. Twice more the sticky notes bumped into me... "clumsy asshole" crossed my mind. Finally I got tired of it so I walked away and pretended to look at a different light where there was more room for us to maneuver without that damn paper touching my frank. Same routine of me putting my hand up against the light only this time I happened to peek down as I reached. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I caught a glimpse of backhand just as it came to rest up against my tally whacker. "I can't believe this... this dude is copping a feel on me," I said to myself. Being an unsuccessful salesman and seeing as he had shown interest in the advertising before stroking my cock, I tried to convince myself it wasn't happening, but it was. It happened once more and I called it quits. I told him I had a phone conference I had to take and bolted out of there like Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez had once shown me how.

As I tried to cope with what had just occurred I thought to call my father and see if it helped me move on in my life. It didn't. All he told me was to go have a stiff drink and a smoke. "I didn't just get laid by a Playboy bunny dad, I just had some creep try to jerk me off in a fucking lamp store."

Needless to say the rest of my day was shot and I'm pretty sure I won't ever be able to walk into a business again. I guess on the bright side there can never be any doubt in anyone's mind as to whether or not I'm gay-- otherwise I woulda taken him up on the offer.

On the other hand, he did offer to take me to lunch sometime as I walked out. Hmm.....